However, all these talks are just useless, totally doesn’t solve the problem.  R usually is very afraid of troubles, it’s best there’s no problem mentioned to him for centuries.  School teachers, Kylie and Amber didn’t think too much about this, they were fine with hugging H to calm him down quickly, however, they were not there all the time.  Noemi was the one who always wanted to be harsh and strict to kids.  I doubt her way was the right way to deal with H, because I noticed H had scared reaction towards her.  He cried harder when I handed him over to Noemi, but didn’t have the same reaction towards other two teachers.

I tried to dig out the reason why H didn’t like school by talking to R:

1. Hungry feeling, and school is definitely not as comfortable as home.  However, it has been 4 months since he joined school.  Why did he still want to starve himself?   He didn’t like the food?   He was not in a good mood that day?  He was too excited for playing outside, so he forgot to eat?

=>  How to train him the concept that he needs to eat at regular time, or he will get starved?

2. No one shares feeling with him, guides him to find the pleasure of doing projects and activities as much as his parents.  Peers can only achieve part of these functions at this age, most of them still play in parallel.

=>  Request teachers to give structured teaching might help.

3. Too serious about everything and lack of conflict solving skills.  I noticed other kids they didn’t mind some failures, some bad behaviors from others, some disappointments in life.  But H was just serious about everything.  He still used crying and screaming as the means to solve conflicts, but other kids had evolved.

=> Noelle’s social group and Dr Pyle’s RDI sessions will help.  Besides, teachers could help by adopting their suggestions and tips.

Difficult issues:

At Aug 2 week I will send out questions for teachers in the name of H’s speech evaluation.  After I receive the answers, I believe lots of my doubt can be clarified.  Hopefully in Aug 9 week we can successfully host the meeting with school, to request more facilitation for H’s project activities.

Questions:

1. Is he able to calm down quickly after talking to him?  More
difficult than other kids?   Around average?  Quite easy?

2. Does he usually understand instructions?  Most of the time?  50% of
the time?  Less than 50%?

3. Does he follow the instructions without getting upset?   Most of
the time?  50% of the time?  Less than 50%?

4. Is he able to handle meaningful reciprocal conversation with
adults? (Not just use filler words to form a line)  Most of the time?
50% of the time?  Less than 50%?

5. Does he know how to initiate a play?  Most of the time?  50% of the
time?  Less than 50%?

6. Does he know how to start a project?  Most of the time?  50% of the
time?  Less than 50%?

7. Does he ever bully other kids? How does he react to other kids who
behave aggressively toward him? Does he use his words mostly, or does
he use other means (screaming, pushing back)?

8. Does he have trouble paying attention to and remembering
information presented orally?  More difficult than other kids?
Around average?  Quite easy?

9. Does he have problems carrying out multistep directions?  More
difficult than other kids?   Around average?  Quite easy?

10. How many steps can he usually take?  Two?  Three?  More than three?

We started to change H’s sleep schedule to avoid school’s complaints and excuses.  We tried to put him to sleep earlier, and sent him to school earlier – around 10 AM or even earlier.  Over the weekend, we looked at school’s photo album, we found H’s photos were not increased, and could say even worse than before.  He got few photos and most of the photos didn’t show he was participating the activities well.  Basically he was sitting there and observing.

What else happened in this week was:

• He got his diaper rash for the first time
• Several insect bites on his legs for 3 days
• Told me he was hungry when I picked him up.  What he requested was milk, not candy, which meant he wanted to eat meals, not snack.

The only thing improved was his separation anxiety.  He did pretty well when saying goodbye to me.  Other than that, I totally don’t see any improvement in his school life.

For example, I have been wondering about what it means when doctor and therapist said auditory processing is slower than usual, and how to conquer this problem.  R got upset about H’s hearing many times.  He thinks H has a very good hearing – according to our observation and hearing test, but he doesn’t realize auditory processing also impacts his attention and understanding ability.  If R thinks a three-year-old should be blamed for not paying attention to adult’s words, then he should be even more blamed for he constantly has the same behavior.

H is especially easier to get lost if several people talk to him simultaneously.

Second, the beginning when H was diagnosed as developmental delay, I felt he could be ADHD, and I never thought of autism as possibility.  However in the mid-year meeting, all experts saw red flags of autism in his behavior.  Is it possible he gets both?  In this book, Chap 15, it says “Many children with autism display signs of hyperactivity and inattention when they start school.  However, experts are very clear that as the child becomes older the apparent similarities between the two conditions will separate out.  The child with autism may become more withdrawn, and given the right environment, their hyperactivity should wane and their difficulties with social skills will emerge.  Children with AD/HD, on the other hand, are unlikely to become calmer with age unless they receive medication or high-quality therapeutic interventions.  They still develop social and communication skills and are unlikely to have the anxiety levels of a child with autism.”

For this information, I shopped a specially designed vitamin for hyperactive kids, and started to give to H one pill per day since July 30, 2010.  I still don’t want to try SSRI medication on him, even though I have seen how anxiety impacts H’s learning, and in this book “The Autism Mom’s Survival Guide” the author received an amazing progress on his child.

One chapter mentioned this question: should you explain the diagnosis to your child with autism or Asperger syndrome?  It’s great it mentioned it, because I never think about it.  The answer is yes, because the clinical experience indicates that it is extremely important that the diagnosis is explained as soon as possible and preferably before inappropriate compensatory mechanisms are developed.  The child is then more likely to achieve self-acceptance, without unfair comparisons with other children, and be less likely to develop signs of an anxiety disorder, depression, or conduct disorder.

The other chapters providing solutions includes:

• Improving behavior in children with autism spectrum disorder: this chapter talks about the potential causes and the tips for avoid behavioral difficulties in children with ASD.
• Communication and interaction in children with autism spectrum disorders: introduce all possible communication therapies
• Tips for toilet training the autistic child
• Tips for dealing with dieting and  sleeping difficulties in autistic children
• Autism teaching methods: including structured teaching and so on.
• School transitions

The book has a lot of more than these topics listed here, however they are not urgent for us to know at this stage.  And I am hoping we will never have to use them after a couple of years’ effort we will spend on H.

Hans Asperger originally believed that no girls were affected by the syndrome he described in 1944, although clinical evidence later caused him to revise this statement.  In Kanner’s 19443 study of a small grou pof children with autistic syndrome there were four times as many boys as girls; and in their much larger study of Asperger syndrome in mainstream schools in Sweden in 1993, Ehlers and Gillberg found the same male to female raition of 4:1.  In epidemiological research Wing(1981) found that among people with high-functioning autism or Asperger syndrome there were as many as fifteen times as many males as females.

Skills involved in communications

• Literal verbal/spoken communication skills
  • Receptive verbal language
  • Expressive verbal language
• Nonverbal/non-spoken communication skills
  • the urge to initiate shared social interaction and two-way communication: theory of mind

the ability to socialize/relate/empathize requires a working “theory of mind.”  theory of mind refers to the relatively unique ability of humans to understand: that I have a mind; that you have a mind; and most importantly, that our minds may not know or be feeling the same things.

• pragmatic language

pragmatic language is the practical ability to use language in a social setting, such as knowing what is appropriate to say, where and when to say it, and the give and take nature of conversation.  Effective pragmatics requires a working theory of mind: the ability to figure out what the other person does or does not already know – or might or might not be interested in hearing about.

• knowledge of unwritten rules
• knowing what is and isn’t important

• the ability to see the big picture rather than fixate on details
• the ability to maintain a full range of interests

• symbolic play skills
• the ability to achieve “joint attention”
• nonverbal(non-spoken) transmission of language
  • facial expression
  • body language
  • toned and prosody (rhythm) of speech

Two major types of disorders of the communication skills:

• Typical language-based learning disorders
• Autistic spectrum disorders(ASD)
  • pervasive developmental disorders
  • other autistic spectrum disorders

PDD-NOS Case Illustration

Leslie was the oldest of two children.  She was noted to be a difficult baby who was not easy to console but whose motor and communicative development seemed appropriate.  She was socially related and sometimes enjoyed social interaction but was easily overstimulated.  She was noted to exhibit some unusual sensitivities to aspects of the environment and at times of excitement exhibited some hand flapping.  Her parents sought evaluation when she was four years of age because of difficulties in nursery school.  Leslie was noted to have problems with peer interaction.  She was often preoccupied with possible adverse events.  At evaluation she was noted to have both communicative and cognitive functions within the normal range. Although differential social relatedness was present, Leslie had difficulty using her parents as sources of support and comfort.  Behavioral rigidity was noted, as was a tendency to impose routines on social interaction.  Subsequently she was placed in a transitional kindergarten and did well academically, although problems in peer interaction and unusual affective responses persisted.  As an adolescent she describes herself as a “loner” who has difficulties with social interaction and who tends to enjoy solitary activities.

Chap 6 – 11 : About What Causes Autism (the research direction)

• Genes
• MMR Vaccine
• Environmental Exposures
• Immune System Problems
• Abnormal Brain Development and Function : the most interesting parts are how autism affects functioning of entire brain, and brain regions involving memory and emotion are larger in children with autism.
• Parent, Pregnancy, and Birth Factors

Chap 14: Auditory Processing Disorder in People with Autism (pages copied)

Chap 15: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Autism

Many children with autism display signs of hyperactivity and inattention when they start school.  However, experts are very clear that as the child becomes older the apparent similarities between the two conditions will separate out.  The child with autism may become more withdrawn, and given the right environment, their hyperactivity should wane and their difficulties with social skills will emerge.  Children with AD/HD, on the other hand, are unlikely to become calmer with age unless they receive medication or high-quality therapeutic interventions.  They still develop social and communication skills and are unlikely to have the anxiety levels of a child with autism.

Chap 16 : Exceptional Abilities in People with Autism

• Hyperlexia : exceptional reading abilities in young children
  • http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperlexia
• Savant Syndrome : an extraordinary condition
  • http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savant_syndrome

Chap 17-19: Diagnosing and Evaluating Autism Spectrum Disorders

Chap 20: After the Diagnosis: What Comes Next?

• Ten Things Parents Need to Do after a Diagnosis of Autism

1. Take a deep breath and begin to use the professional guidance you have been given.  Begin to communicate and connect with your child and participate in your child’s therapy.  Begin to understand what is most helpful to your child.
2. Get organized.  Create a filing system for your child’s medical, early intervention, and school records, articles and pamphlets, and other items you want to close at hand.
3. Inform yourself.  Read books, surf the internet, and have in-depth conversations with any expert parent or professional you can buttonhole.  Find out about print and online resources that can keep you abreast of the latest news about treatments.
4. Based on what you learn, evaluate treatment possibilities, with a focus on your child’s unique characteristics and needs.
5. Assemble your treatment team.  This should include a pediatrician who understands developmental issues and who will be your child’s primary care provider.  Depending on your child’s needs, you may also need a neurologist, neuropsychologist, psychiatrist, speech therapist, occupational therapist, home-based intervention therapist, and others.
6. Learn your child’s rights, and take steps to secure them.  Find out about early intervention programs, regional services, county developmental delay or mental health programs, and special education programs. Start the application process for services for which your child is eligible.  Learn about the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act(IDEA), the Americans with Disabilities Act(ADA), the Rehabilitation Act, and other laws that can protect and help your child.
7. Understand your insurance plan.  Find out what it does and doesn’t cover: Learn how to get better services for your child, including how to appeal decisions with which you don’t agree.  If you are uninsured, find out about Medicaid and state-sponsored plans for uninsured children.
8. Network with other parents.  Join a local or national group that can keep you informed.  Find other families nearby or online who are coping with the same issues.
9. Take steps to nurture your entire family, including your partner and other children.  It’s easy, and sometimes necessary, for one child’s disability to take precedence over everything else.  Most parents have to deliberately make time for giving the rest of the family special attention.
10. Nurture yourself.  Do what it takes to maintain your health and well-being by eating right, exercising, taking care of any medical needs, and making sure that you have adequate emotional support.

The worst is over, but the hard work has just begun: You must take the lead in advocating for your child.

• Moving forward with confidence after your child is diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder
• Should you explain the diagnosis to your child with autism or Asperger syndrom
  • The immediate answer is yes.  Clinical experience indicates that it is extremely important that the diagnosis is explained ASAP and preferably before inappropriate compensatory mechanisms are developed.  The child is then more likely to achieve self-acceptance, without unfair comparisons with other children, and be less likely to develop signs of an anxiety disorder, depression, or conduct disorder.

Chap 21 – 31: Treatments, Therapies, and Interventions for Autism Spectrum Disorders

• Your child’s treatment team
• Evaluating autism treatments
• Behavioral Intervention:
  • Improving behavior in children with autism spectrum disorders
  • Applied behavioral analysis(ABA)
  • Social stories: helping people with autism interpret social situations
• Communication Therapy:
• Sensory Intervention:
  • Sensory Integration and Motor Therapies
  • Auditory Integration Training
• Dietary Intervention:
  • Vitamin B6/Magnesium
  • Vitamin C
  • DMG(Dimethylglycine)
  • Gluten- and Casein-Free Diet
  • Yeast-Free Diet(intestinal yeast known as Candida)
  • Vitamin A
  • Serotonin
  • Fatty Acids(Omega-3 and Omega-6)
• Occupational Therapy in the Treatment of Autism
• Music Therapy and Individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders

After Chap 38, it’s above Puberty age.

Autism Source : www.autismsource.org

Local resources: local ASA, local Easter Seals, parent training and information center.

All these kids were confused and didn’t know why they got yelled.  In normal case, they won’t mind other kids joining kicking the ball.  I ran to H and demanded him to stop his tantrum.  It was difficult to make him understand the normal case.  The only thing I can do was to demand him to use his words and stop his tantrum.  Teacher Amber only noticed his crying and didn’t know what was going on, she also ran over here, and tried to educate Advay that H didn’t want to share his ball.

I installed a talking cat program on his iPad.  It was very helpful for me to educate H how to talk properly.  The cat repeated whatever he said, so H loved to speak to it very much, almost in every few minutes.  Sometimes H yelled or screamed to the cat, then it was a good chance to teach him to become a good educator, “Do teach the cat to yell or scream.”  He also got more attention because the cat would always respond to him.  He also talked much more often, because he treated the cat as his friend.

I plan to teach H how to read a story book to the cat.  Of course H can’t read books now.  But I can read to him and he repeats to the cat.  Maybe he will try to tell the cat about his imagination or his day in school.  I hope there’s a robotic pet I can buy which has the same function.

Noelle’s session has been going on more than a month.  The timing(10-11 AM) really disturbed me.  Teachers were usually most busy at 11:30 AM, which was the time we arrived after the session.  Noelle’s client in the previous session had no sense of consideration and liked to delay leaving.  So today we arrived after 11:30, and I was forced to stay an hour and left right at lunch time.  Kylie told me at pick-up hour that H got upset after I left and rejected to continue his lunch, he went to nap immediately without eating much.

I told R about this, and R suggested to drop him off after the session.  However I still considered to stop the therapy for some time until we got a better timing.  It’s just I hope Noelle can finish modeling H’s WH questions.  Once he picks it up, the others are trivial.

Noelle’s advantage is she has behavioral therapy experience for several years, so besides speech therapy she can help with H’s behavioral problem.  For example, H got upset in the beginning of the session, so I told Noelle about what happened yesterday in Dr Pyle’s session.  She tried to teach him about Christ Cross Apple Sauce, and use words to deal with his frustration.  She even wrote down the scripts for parents to practice at home.  Sometimes I asked her about the explanation for H’s strange behaviors, she wouldn’t give me projecting answers if she wasn’t sure, and most importantly she would give me useful tricks to deal with those behaviors.

She told me to hold on Who Question for some time, because it was more difficult to model H, and before she finished it, she didn’t want to confuse H.  It seemed like Who was usually more abstract and difficult for kids lacking abstraction comprehension capability.  Objects is easier than people to them.  I asked her, why H can ask What question but can’t answer it?  Noelle said, maybe it’s because he didn’t know the answer, or maybe it’s more difficult for him to retrieve the information in the brain to answer questions.  So it seems like presenting is much easier than retrieving information for brain to function.  Besides, usually autistic children have delayed response, the answers and the emotions will show up later.  That’s exactly what I have observed in H’s behavior.

Anyway, teachers are not going to work on these issues for us, so it’s better I just tolerate this situation until H picks up basic capabilities.  The school environment is a positive model for his academic capabilities, a real challenging society for him to learn and conquer.  The outside therapies and training are the support we provide for him to deal with this world.  All the effort and time and money are targeted at two years from now, he can be at a good standing for a bright future.  That’s the love from his parents.

The RDI session started with free play as usual.  But H didn’t want joint play that much.  His attention was distracted by other things very easily, and he shut down his world and was unable to hear Dr Pyle’s calling his name.  There was a meltdown out of no understandable reason.  He was pretending to be a vet doctor, and Dr Pyle showed him a puppet and said “The puppet is sick, can you help?”  He used some tools to check the puppet’s ears, eyes, and knees, and then used stethoscope to check its tummy, and then said “feel better.”  Dr Pyle and I both complimented him doing a good job, and we actually only said “Thank you”, “That’s right.”  Suddenly he had a breakdown.  Dr Pyle looked at him surprisedly and asked him what’s going on?  I remained silent because I kind of know what’s up with him, but I wanted to observe other adult’s response.  Dr Pyle asked him, “Do you feel hurt?”  H answered “Hurt.”  Dr Pyle asked, “Do you feel sad, that’s why you feel hurt?”  H said “Sad.”

When I described this part to R, he also knew what had happened to H.  Later I told Dr Pyle, for some reason we didn’t know, when we commented H’s good behavior or complimented him, he constantly had a breakdown.  He would cry and kept objecting “No”, and even ruined what he had just done right.

Later I asked Dr Pyle about H’s running in circle behavior.  This has started quite early age.  He had to run in circle in Gymboree classroom, and that was pretty much all he had done in the class.  Later he ran in circle everywhere, at home, in the restaurants, in public places.  I remember there was a time I let him run and counted how many times he could do.  It was over 60 times when he ran in circle along our coffee table in the living room, and he was less than 2 yo.  He was unable to hear anyone when he did that.  Sometimes R got upset because he thought H intended not to respond to him.

Dr Pyle’s suggestion was to join him running and then bring him back to the world by suggesting “Ok, now we run 3 more times and we stop!”  She said, it might because he needed this spinning feeling to organize the information or reset himself while he was running.

The second meltdown was even more serious.  He was completely stuck in his emotion, and kept murmuring “can’t do it” while scratching the carpet with a small toy car.  I didn’t step in immediately and let Dr Pyle deal with the situation.  After a while I found he was unable to get out and probably would turn worse, so I started to demand him as a mother.  I told him, “Stop crying.  You know I don’t like you to cry.  Use your words and tell mommy what happen.”  He withdrew his crying for a couple of seconds, but still remained the whining sound.  I continued to tell him, “Stop that whining sound.  Say it.  What happened?  What do you want to do?  Don’t scratch the carpet.  You see, it’s broken.”

At that time Dr Pyle proposed to him to go to another room for trampoline jumping. But of course he still stuck over there.  Finally he got up after I started to move to the door.  In the beginning when he saw the trampoline, he didn’t even want to stand on it, instead, he asked me to jump on it.  I had no choice except showing myself as an example first.  So it turned out we took turns, he jumped once, and I jumped once.  After that, his emotion was recovered.

Because of these interruptions, Dr Pyle wasn’t able to read social story.  But she did read a story book “What will you wear?  Jessie Bear.”  The purpose of this book is to tell him about the life activities in a day and practice Ving.  H only listened to this story for 4 or 5 pages, and he wandered away.  He was unable to answer a simple “what is he doing?” question.  However I was sure he knew all these Ving verbs, it’s just he couldn’t pair the answers to the questions.  But I don’t understand, he is able to ask this kind of question, but why he can’t answer it?

The other activities in the session were:

1.Exaggerate the pronoun “you”, “my” in Follow The Lead playing.

2.How does it feel with your hand/fingers?  Dr Pyle found he is a very visual learner, and extremely easy to be distracted by what he saw.  So she suggested me to get a clean box, and let H experience the feeling in blind test.

3.The baby doll.  Dr Pyle asked him to feed the baby with milk, but after that he kept trying to find a pacifier everywhere for the baby.  When Dr Pyle suggested to take the baby for a walk, he was totally not interested.

4. Christ cross, apple sauce.  H always sits in a W shape with his both legs bended backward.  Dr Pyle said it was not good for his knees and muscle development.  Later I found almost all the kids in his class know about this.

I also consulted Dr Pyle about the sharing issues.  I think it’s difficult to deal with because whenever he encounters difficulties in joint play, he continues this bad feeling for a long time.  However, I was unable to control his classmates’ behavior.  H would share things when adults demanded him, but he expressed his emotion later by throwing/kicking.  Dr Pyle said, this can only be improved by teaching him social skills or ask teachers to step in, like “Can you help?”  The social group sessions can teach him “Can I join?”  ”Can I have a turn?”  But I think in that kind of situation, how to deal with his emotion is probably a more difficult and tricky part to work on.

I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, but he is a more sensitive and deeper child(from Dr Pyle’s comment).  At such a young age, I don’t think it’s a good idea to let him handle his emotion alone.  The teachers have different personalities and styles in dealing with children, and there are too many of them for one classroom, it’s very difficult for parents to handle them.

Amber is the kind of teacher who follows the routines.  Whatever care or education routines, she does her job.  She is shy, but I can see she enjoys with kids, which means she has a soft corner for them.  Her weakness is the experience in handling a busy and dynamic school life.  However she is the one I feel most reliable and accountable.

Kylie is probably the most experienced one, she is excellent at communicating with kids, and she is also sensitive and passionate with them.  However her problem is she doesn’t like labor job which is still important for young children.  Maybe it’s because she lives too far, she really likes to take days off too often.

Noemi is the strict kind.  I constantly has this doubt – does she enjoy being with kids?  However she cares more about regulating children’s behaviors, at least more than other teachers, which is a good thing.  But she couldn’t give children this warm and loving feeling.  I saw her rejecting to hug H many times.

Of course I hope H can handle his school life like a breeze.  Ideally I think he should love to go to school.  From the curriculum I don’t see any reason he should dislike it.  He should feel excited to see his friends.  He should enjoy himself in activities.  He should love the food.  He should feel comfortable to request help from teachers.  So which is the part to cause him feeling so anxious to go to school?  And which is the part his parents can improve?  Of course every child doesn’t want to separate from his/her dearest mother, but isn’t it enough for a child to realize that going to school isn’t equal to separating from his/her mother?

Anyway, school is standing in a position not responding to parents’ requests now.  They think it’s our problem because we didn’t let go enough.  They don’t think H needs extra facilitation from them.  Our current solution is to seek outside resource and help to build up H’s capability ASAP, and wait for the school’s transition to finish in August.  During this time, we need to settle H’s sleep schedule.  Once he accumulates enough language ability, the school is not going to deny our requests, because H can speak for himself.  There’s no better solution than this one.

She gave me many tips about how to manage H’s behavior.  I told her that every morning H tried to find all kind of excuses not to go to school, but strangely it was also difficult to pick him up in the afternoon.  She advised me that we have to build up H’s school routine quickly and it’s better to let him go to school earlier(and it’s also good for his photo taking).  Later I told R that we need to fix H’s dinner early at 6 PM and put him in bed at 9 PM, or it’s difficult for him to get up early.  The problem we had before was we always ate dinner too late, sometimes even after 8 PM. And of course he needed some activities and shower time after dinner, it was impossible to put him in bed before 10:30 PM.  Sometime if he wanted to play with his dad more, or R got home late, that’s even much later than this.  It ended up H became a night owl – he couldn’t go to sleep until 11 PM.

However, something Gail implied, I felt it wasn’t fully true, but I didn’t say anything to argue.  We didn’t drop off H so late all the time in the first 3 months, he usually arrived at school before 10 AM, but he still didn’t get many photos.  The reason H disliked school is complicated, and after talking with Dr Pyle, I think the major reason is H belongs to the kind who needs more facilitation in life and learning, but teachers didn’t provide enough.  This is not just happened in our case, look at how many aggressive kids in the classroom the first 2 months when we joined, and how it has changed after our meeting with them.  The facilitation part has been compensated by me in the past 4 months, but now teachers took the credit.  However I don’t think they intend to take the credit, they just want to avoid the blame.

I told Noelle that I can’t demand other parents to change their children’s behavior, but at least I can train H how to deal with them, for example, how to initiate a play, sustain a play, and problem solving skills, and perspective taking, and avoiding bully behavior…and so on.  At least H won’t feel so hurt any more when he encounters any of these difficult situations.  It has been a while I felt confused too, because what I observed was, it seemed like it’s easier for H to deal with his classmates by crying and being aggressive.

I think many parents might encounter the same difficulties.  I notice Noelle’s clients have changed a lot, and I suspect that she probably has disconnected with government’s Early Start program.  It used to be her clients were mostly 2-4 yo kids, and looked more autistic.  Now I saw her clients varied from 1 yo to above 5 yo, and they looked normal.  It was really surprising to see an 1-2 yo Asian child stepped out of her office.  I guess his mother probably just wants to give him a better development training, not really for speech therapy.  There were also several times I saw 2 or 3 children attending therapies together.  Some of them looked like brothers taking session together, one much was taller, another looked 4 yo.  I was sure they had a group therapy because when I dropped by again after an hour, the woman was sitting outside alone.

Whenever I felt worried about how much money and time we had invested for H, R was the one who always said “it wouldn’t hurt.”  He gave me the confidence and reason to move on, and later I would figure out a way to request therapist and psychologist to provide worthwhile trainings for H.  This is really important to me because then I won’t feel too frustrated when people question me about the effort I have put – it made me feel that I was wasting time.  Of course every parents has different doubts in educating their children – should we focus on their strength?  Or should we improve their weakness?  My idea is as long as our child can cope with his daily life, I don’t mind he has weak sides.  However, H has been showing difficulties in life, for example, efficient communications with adults, enjoying himself in static activities(you definitely don’t want to see your child always has to run around in the restaurant, right?), and coping with his friends well in the school(it’s really not easy for parents to teach their children how to play with his friends, and how to deal with their bully behaviors.)

I think Noelle’s new clients are probably the same kind as us, hoping to help children with better means in difficult situations.  Learning doesn’t have to be so difficult and frustrating, isn’t it?

This email was sent out before he called home and explained everything.  I realized it was a misunderstanding after he called, but before he did have record of lying and his brother did let him pay all the time.  What hurt me most was the threatening words.  Every time in our fights, these words made me feel he had never loved me before.  He could be extremely unreasonable as this example, he threatened me that he would take my child away and left me alone in the street if I didn’t accept his mistress when I was pregnant for 8 months.  Or demanded my mother and I to leave the apartment at midnight, because we got into fight for his affair.  And of course, if it was my mistake, he definitely made a big deal out of it and tried to hurt me as much as he could.

He couldn’t empathize my hurt, and kept using threatening words towards me.  Finally I started to screaming, and crying very hard.  I told him, you are not just unwilling to spend time to take care of your child, you are even trying to hurt his mother as much as you can.  Later I told him, “For the reason of reserving as much resource as possible for H, and you think you are more important than me to him, I can give him up completely.  I cannot face you any more, or I will go crazy.”  R listened to this, but he should still continue to threaten me!!  It’s truly amazing that how obsessed he is with the power and how regardless he cares about other people’s feeling.

I hope H won’t grow up to be like this.  But what else can I do?  H asked me why I was crying when I changed his poop diaper, I told him, because your dad hurt me.  I said, remember this, whatever happens, you have to forgive me, ok?  H answered, ok.  I asked him, if mommy has to leave you, will you miss mommy?  H’s face turned crying for a sec, and immediately requested to hug me.  I hugged him tight and was speechless.

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R,
I didn’t argue with you about your lie today, but I still wanted to make my point.  It’s ridiculous that you even lied about this kind of thing.  How come could you bring your brother to your colleague’s soccer game party?  What were you thinking it’s fine to take H to meet your brother yesterday, and it’s not fine for you to meet your brother today?

I wanted to remind you one thing, we haven’t started any divorce related process yet, and you’re still in a marriage.  I hope your brother can stop using our money, our finance is not separated yet.  You have promised me that your brother would use his own saving to pay rent, apartment deposit, and other expenses for his relocation.  You got to remember one thing, H is using a lot of money now.  It’s you agree to go on so many therapies.  Our divorce also requires a lot of money, because we are building two different families for H.  Why do you think your brother’s apartment needs stuff, but your new apartment can be empty?  I think I should write an email to your brother and parents to remind them that the best way to show their love to H is not to exploit you so much!!!